Dear Soulless MegaBank Drones . . .

An open letter to "one of the country's leading financial institutions" . . .

Dear Sirs or Madams or Bankers,
How are you?
Doing well, apparently, as you no longer seem to need or want my business.
I guess you know why I'm writing. After all, you wrote me first. Twice, actually. Last week to tell me that I had missed a payment on my credit card. And again this week to tell me that, as a consequence of that missed payment, the interest rate on that card was about to be changed to the "maximum Penalty APR", a staggeringly high number, well north of the age when males in this country can rent cars. At first I was somewhat startled by the harshness of your reaction to my tardy remittance. But now that I've had some time to reflect, I believe I understand.
You see, I know I'm not your best customer.
Your card fell into my "Occasional Use, but Mostly for Unexpected Stuff" category. So, obviously I didn't use the card very often. And when I did, I'd immediately pay it off. No balance carried, so no interest charged. Which is why I begrudgingly accepted the "Annual Members Fee" . . . I knew you had a make a few dollars off me somehow. Although I'm still not exactly clear what I'm a member of.
Anywho, because I wasn't accustomed to making a payment every month, I had set up an "Alert" for my account online. I was to be "emailed" five days before a payment was due. But last month, it didn't happen.
I know, I know . . . there was a lot going on last month. The season finales of "Idol" and "DWTS".  Not to mention Oprah leaving and the possibility the world was going to end. Plus we both know that "email" and the "internet" are grossly unreliable conveyances, so I'm not surprised it didn't happen. And I guess the bill I got in the mail should've prodded my admittedly-shoddy memory long enough to crack open my checkbook. Oh, right. I didn't get a bill in the mail. Because you begged me NOT to. So I signed on for "paperless billing". I forgot. But it's nice to see you've put the paper saved to good use shipping me dozens of blank checks and additional card offers every month.
So when I received your first cheerful missive regarding the absent payment, I dutifully logged in to my account and, sure enough, you were right! I promptly paid my balance, in full (including the interest charged and a rather "generous" late fee). I thought the matter properly addressed.
I thought wrong.
When I received your latest correspondence regarding the "penalty" I would receive for the one  payment I missed the one time I used your card this year, I have to admit I was a little miffed.
Okay, a lot miffed.
In hindsight it was probably wrong of me to fire off that somewhat curt inquiry (via "email", so I'm surprised you actually got it!) about closing my account. But let me add, while mistakes were made, they were made on both sides.
Because someone in your "Customer Service Center" responded (quite promptly, I might add) by saying  a) there was nothing they could ( or should I say "would"?) do about the "Penalty APR", and b) telling me exactly what I had to do to close my account.
I'll let you guess what I did next. For BOTH the cards I had with your bank. Oops . . . the "had" kind of gave it away, didn't it?
Now I know your natural reaction to my note will be one of genuine and heartfelt concern for my financial well-being. Awwww, that's sweet. But dry your tears. I'm going to be just fine. You see, I have several other credit cards to fall back on. One I use almost daily. And others that don't mind seeing the light of day on special occasions. And if I'm a little late getting that check in the mail, they seem satisfied slapping a "late fee" (plus interest, of course) onto the balance and calling it even. I know it's a little old-fashioned, but it seems to work for us.
As this is the last time we'll be in touch, let me close by wishing you all the best in your future endeavors. But let me respond to the following line from your last email to me . . . "Although you have chosen to close your account please consider us for your future financial needs".
Ummm, no.
Not a chance in Hell.
Sincerely,
A Faceless Account Holder
P.S.
Hey, you know that bailout you guys got from me and all the other taxpayers last year?
You're welcome.